tragedy in the midst of joy (a delayed post)...

As we approached our little guy's arrival, the unthinkable happened.  It only took an instant, but the after effects will last a lifetime.  

On Thursday, November 8th, our beloved best friend and companion was killed.  Hit by a car, rushed to the hospital, he died in my arms on the way...it was all so unbelievable.  Waiting for news, talking to the doctor, saying goodbye.  Returning to a quiet house.  

It was a complete nightmare.  

It is hard to express all of the feelings that we went through...

Emptiness

Loneliness

Devastation

Questioning of Faith

Heartache

Without the support of our family and friends, we would not have made it through this time.  Every thought, prayer, gesture, and hug was so appreciated and has not gone unnoticed.  Andy and I are lucky and have not experienced much death in our lives, but the need we have felt for support has been great and everyone has been there to meet us with exactly what we need.  From food to hugs to phone calls and texts, we will forever be grateful for all of the special people we have in our corner near and far.  

Among the many gestures from those that we care about, I received the note below from one of my students.  What's funny is that the student isn't one of the ones that I have a super good relationship with.  He rarely does his work and I can never get him to write anything.  For him to take the time to make me this note is amazing...for him to write such a perfect message with so much depth is priceless.   

It is only now that we are able to miss Chewy and start remembering the good times.  We have moved on from the blame and guilt and are able to smile when we think about the little things that made him great.  

Here are just a few of those things: 
He had soft ears, penetrating eyes, beautiful brown color, cold nose, lots of licks for whoever would receive them.

He was sweet, polite, chill or energetic (whatever we needed at the time), smart, calm, careful.

He loved water, road trips, walks, fetch, bones, num nums, pumpkin, sunbathing.

If you are interested in Chewy's story, you can go here.  It is not all facts, but a fictional story of his life before he met us that I wrote a few years ago.  I think now I will have to work on the sequel...

If you knew Chewy or have your own pet that you cherish, think about donating to the Dumb Friends League in memory of him and in honor of other pets who are lost  You can go here to do so.  

Chewy, you will forever be remembered, loved, and cherished...Rest in peace little buddy.  

a note to our little one...

Dear sweet little boy, 

Your due date has come and gone and we are anxiously awaiting your arrival.  I know that we have been through some heavy stuff in the last year, especially recently.  I know that you are concerned and want us to have time to heal, but I need you to know that we are ready.  

We are ready to see your sweet face, hold you in our arms, and smell your amazing baby smell.  We are ready to love you with everything that we have and take care of you.  We are ready to introduce you to our friends and family and they are almost as excited as we are to welcome you into the world.  

You've given us some signs that you are making your way to the outside world and we promise to stay patient.  Come when you are ready, but just know that you don't have to worry about us.  We are ready and our hearts are open for your arrival.  

Love, Mama L & Papa A

belly photos...

We decided to get some pregnancy photos taken in order to preserve our experience.  Here is a sneak peak from our photographer...  

Check them out!

http://tarapolly.com/2012/11/andy-lindsey-expecting/

it's the final countdown...

12 days until our due date...it is definitely down to the final countdown.  At this point, we get so many questions from people like, "Are you ready?", or "Are you nervous?"  The questions seem so simple to ask, but are a little more complicated to answer, at least from where I sit.  

Once we hit the 37 week mark, I started to have some mixed feelings that I have been struggling with.

Excitement...

is definitely one of the number one feelings.  Excitement to meet our little boy.  Excitement to not be pregnant any more and get a semi-normal body back.  Excitement to finally be parents.  Excitement to use all of the new baby things we have ready to go in the nursery.  There is so much to look forward to!  

Nervousness...

is a feeling that has sometimes overridden my excitement in these last weeks.  Nervousness about labor and birth.  Nervousness of the recovery afterwards.  Nervousness about being a parent.  Nervousness about knowing what to do.  This feeling has caused a lot of anxiety as of late.    

Scared/Terrified...

has been a feeling that has crept its way in as well.  Scared of the unknown (so many unknowns).  Terrified Scared of the physical pain to come.  Scared to finally get what we have always wanted.  Scared for the same things that I feel excitement for.  This feeling makes me uncomfortable, but is impossible for me to shake.    

Mostly, it feels like we are now in a waiting pattern.  Don't get me wrong, we REALLY appreciated our break from school for a week.  But, I found myself half way through actually wanting to go back to work.  That has NEVER happened before.

I was consumed with my own thoughts (as mentioned above) that never seemed to end.  Even though I was relaxing or working on some to-do list items, I couldn't truly enjoy myself.  At one point, Andy and I looked at each other and didn't have anything to say to each other.  It felt like we were both just ready and waiting for our little guy to arrive and until he does, we are stuck just waiting and staring at each other.  Maybe this is a sign that we are truly ready...I am not sure.    

The thing I have come to realize is that this pregnancy hasn't felt like a normal pregnancy of nine months. Part of me feels like this pregnancy has lasted from the first time we got pregnant and had a miscarriage (October 2011) until now.  It has sometimes felt like it has lasted an eternity.  Please don't misunderstand me, I have loved being pregnant for the most part, but I am truly ready for it to be over now.  I am ready to move on from this phase to the next despite all of my feelings of trepidation currently.

I know that all of these feelings will slip quickly into the past when our little guy is in my arms (I hope).  I also have a feeling that, somehow, we will know what to do and the things we don't, we will figure out together in our own time.  We have prepared ourselves as best we can and now it is out of our hands.  We need to trust that everything is going to be OK and happen as it will.  There is a sweet and precious little thing waiting for us at the end of this long journey and at the end of the day, the only thing we feel is thrilled to meet him and let him fill our hearts.          

book updates...

We are in the final countdown over here and have enjoyed a week off of school to check some of those pesky last minute to-dos off of our never ending list.  But, I have also taken some time to relax and enjoy some reading.  I am trying to include a healthy mix of books, some teaching me how to raise this human inside of me and also  some that are literature from my book club and reads just for fun.  

Our book club decided to dive into the classics this round and instead of all of us reading the same book, we each get to choose one to read and then we will discuss them when we next get together.  I am a HUGE fan of this plan and decided to read more of a current classic...

I just finished and am a big fan!  From the author's personal story to the lovable main character, this book is a must read.  It is not as daunting or confusing as some other classics can be and really has a simple message for everyone to find their life's dream and follow it.  There are other hidden messages and themes, but I will leave those to your interpretation once you pick it up and read it for yourself!

This is another one I read for fun recently and I picked it up because of all the buzz around it.  

  

Also, if you have not read this book, you need to pick it up immediately!  I don't normally read nonfiction, but this book had me from Page #1 and I was completely fascinated with the story.   

In the genre of raising a human, these are my go-tos right now.  I definitely have to read them in shifts as some of the information has proven to be way too overwhelming if I let it.  

Here's hoping that my love and time for reading doesn't cease once our little one is born.  Reading will forever be a past time that I strive to have time for and pass on to our little man.  Only two more weeks!   

i'm famous (sort of)...

In my little blogging world, the following is a big deal!  

A friend from high school interviewed me for an article on blogging for a local magazine that she writes for and I wanted to share it with you all.  

Check it out:  http://villagefamilymag.org/2012/09/27/starting-a-family-blog/

Blogging has helped me in so many ways and it is a little thing that makes me smile daily, if not multiple times a day.  Whether it is reading the many blogs that I have come to follow or writing my own post that I am excited to share with others or writing those tough posts that always are instant therapy for me, blogging has healed me, made me more confident, and helped me express myself in a way that I never knew was possible.  It is a staple in my life now and it is a good feeling to be able to share what I have to say with others and encourage others to take a similar route.   

a few teaching moments recently...

Sometimes as a teacher, the bright and shiny moments are few and far between, but other times, they come in threes...

Recently, I have been feeling a little burnt out, especially anticipating my long absence that seems to be sneaking up on me.  These recent special teaching moments have made me be more present and in the moment with my students as I have come to realize that I am going to miss them - don't read that wrong, I will not miss the paperwork, the lesson planning, the meetings, or some of the adults in my building, but I will miss their smiling faces, their voices, their funny stories, and their genuine concern for my family at this time.

Good things can sometimes come in threes...  

#1: One of my favorite students this year came into class a little late one day and just when I was about to let myself get angry with him, he handed me a hand-drawn picture and said that he drew it for me {as he added a few last minute touches while I was trying to start class}.  My annoyance still lingering, but definitely waning, I thanked him and was ready to continue with the beginning of my lesson as I glanced down at the picture...

Yeah, I didn't get it at first either.  He went on to explain that it was Mr. Groettum and I with an angel watching over us {I am hoping that you see the fact that we are aliens, me a pregnant alien, and I think we are both cyclopes as well}.  

My heart instantly melted and I felt an overwhelming urge to give him a hug.  Did he somehow know all that we have been through?  Could he sense my worry that I try so hard to bury deep inside of me?  It was a simple gesture on his part, but has meant so much to me.  It is a little symbol that a.) my students actually care about me and my family, and b.) everything is going to be ok.

#2:  I tried something new to begin this school year and dove into a pretty elaborate (at least for my students) writing project.  I read House on Mango Street, focusing on figuring out the character's identity.  Then, we wrote our own vignettes {if you haven't read the book, it is a series of short vignettes that all weave together to tell a story about Esperanza, a teenage girl living in a semi-bad neighborhood in Chicago}which were to tell stories about our own identity and they had to emulate the kind of writing that Sandra Cisneros did in the book {things like using similes to describe events, inserting Spanish for important words, etc}. 

Once I got into the project, there was no turning back.  Writing has always been a little stressful for me as a teacher of special education students.  There are so many things to help the students with that it can be a really daunting and overwhelming task.  I was pleasantly surprised though and they knocked this project out of the park!  All of them improved from their first piece to their second, really experimented with aspects of our mentor text, and told very personal stories that were super interesting!  

I was and am still so proud that I just had to make a display, which is something I rarely do {I am secretly proud of my display as well, but that is kind of embarrassing to admit}.  

Sometimes your students can surprise you with their skills and motivation.  And sometimes as a teacher you can actually look at something you did and honestly tell yourself that you had something to do with their success.  These two little things make teaching worth every minute, even the hard minutes.    

#3: One of Andy's former students that we have kept in touch with over the years came over for dinner last night.  Before she arrived, we did some last minute cleaning and grocery shopping for the evening.  I started to sense that we were both a little nervous, which was pretty comical.  We know what to do to have other adults our age or even little kids to entertain at our house, but having a college student over was something new to us.  We found ourselves worrying about what music to have on so that we didn't seem super old and dorky, but also didn't seem like we were trying too hard.  

We finally relaxed once she arrived and easily slid into great conversation.  She filled us in on her life lately and with every word, she impressed us.  I'm pretty sure I couldn't have sat with one of my former teachers like that when I was 19 years old and held my own like she did.  She is one teenager that has her head screwed  on straight looking forward with a plan for her future.  She has got it together, I tell you!  

The purpose of her visit was a project she had to do for her college English class.  She was charged with interviewing someone who has the job that she wants to have one day.  She got a double interview with two teachers in the house!  She had great questions about the teaching profession and took all of our advice and answers in stride {and still wants to be a teacher}!   

We had a fabulous evening with her and what's funny is I think she had fun with us as well.  I am so thankful that I know such an amazing woman and the relationship we have with her is a little thing that we both cherish so much.    

babymoon (in pictures)...

There were so many little things that made this weekend amazing and exactly what we needed. It is hard for me to find words to express it all, so I will leave you with our pictures and a few captions to fill you in on our babymoon, a.k.a. the last hoorah as just Andy and Lindsey as individuals, or just husband and wife.

{Little things from the weekend - fuzzy robes, golden aspen leaves, rides in Escalades, faux marble knife, the scent of lavender, patio heaters, piano music, fireplace, wedding day reminiscing, mountain peaks, crunching leaves, chapel bells}

   

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if you need us...

If you need us this weekend, we are busy.  Our phones will be off.  We will be in deep relaxation/romantic mode...just the two of us!  

  We are heading to Beaver Creek, CO celebrating our babymoon.  What is a babymoon you may ask?  Well, it is a special trip that a couple takes before their baby arrives in order to relax and have special quality time before that time is harder to come by.  

{for more history and information on a babymoon, you can go here}  

We will be staying at the Osprey Hotel, which the Today Show just put on the world's best hotels list! You will find us reading, enjoying the fall leaves, and ultimately relaxing.  

We will be spending time at the Allegria Spa in their water therapy pools, getting a massage and body scrub, and hanging out in the fitness center.  

We will also indulge ourselves in what will probably be the most fancy meal we ever eat at Splendido.

{check out their menu here} 

Anyways, that is where we will be this weekend...don't be jealous!

baby shower - german style...

Andy and I are surrounded by some amazing people in Denver who we feel so lucky to call our friends. This past weekend, we got a chance to celebrate with all of them and were definitely showered with their love. There is no shortage of support for us and our new little one.

The party was hosted by the wonderful couples, Derek and Kathy Fessler & Hayley and Kyle Schneider. They worked their butts off to make the event super special and unique to us!

As guests arrived, they were welcomed to a large, beautiful backyard. It was filled with many different venues to make guests feel comfortable...a firepit with hay bails for chairs, a lounging area with snacks to munch on, a bar area with a fabulous young server who was always ready to fill your glass or give you a pretzel necklace.

Smoke filled the air as the celebratory cigars were passed around and guests were able to take part in a guessing game for when Gizmo will arrive. It was soon time to eat and the food was FABULOUS and it all went along with the German theme! From big, doughy pretzels to assorted cheeses and salami to the-best-brats-you-will-ever-eat to potato salad, it was all super yummy! There were even smores around the fire as the evening turned dark!

 

It is so special for us to have so many people in Denver that care about us and already care so much about our baby boy. We feel so fortunate to have all of this support and feel so loved. A little thing happened in Denver at our amazing German themed baby shower, we started to feel like parents and gained a surge of confidence with all of our friends behind us ready to catch us if when we falter throughout this journey.

 

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a new confidence...

Something wonderful happened when I hit 31 weeks of pregnancy and I think I like it...

Up until now, I have felt a lot of anxiety and nervousness of what is to come. Whether it was thinking about the actual birth or what it would be like with a newborn in our house, I was filled with some jitters. Don't get me wrong, I still felt overwhelmingly excited about all that is our future, but it felt like the nervousness was outweighing the joy at some points.

I have tried to reflect on what changed for me and there are a few things that I came up with:

1. My friend Libby and I took a breast feeding class at our hospital. It was three hours, at times overwhelming with loads of information, but overall super helpful. I left feeling like I now had the knowledge to give breast feeding a good effort!

2. Remember my post about these lovely ladies...well, there a bunch of new babies in Denver now! I went on a spree to get a visit in with all of the new mommas and cute little boys (yes, you read that right...all boys)!

First visit was with the lovely Dana and Avery.

How adorable is he?! It was great to catch up on all of the happenings since his arrival. Most of all, I left this visit thinking to myself, "They seem ok," and, "That doesn't look too hard or scary." The biggest thought that went through my head that gave me such comfort was, "I think Andy and I can actually do this."

This visit was a pivotal moment for this new feeling of confidence that I feel.

3. My next visit was to the hospital for the arrival of Henry. Libby and I did that class just in time because their little guy arrived just four days later!

 

Another cutie!! It was great to see this new family of three so soon after Henry's birth. I was amazed at how easy it was to visit them. It was also surreal to see the exact location that we would be at in just a few short months. It helped with the visualization process enormously!

I know that no one is perfect, but these three really seemed to have it together even after only a short time together. They definitely helped with this new confidence of mine and it continued to build me up as I left them in their cozy recovery room.

4. My last visit was with the beautiful Heather and Mr. Hudson.

Is Gizmo going to have some good looking friends or what?!

We touched base on life lately and Heather was great about asking how I was doing and talking me through some of my nerves. She didn't act like she had all of the answers and there was no judgements being made. It was the perfect finale to this new feeling of mine.

This change of confidence is no little thing in my eyes...it is a HUGE thing that will make the rest of this pregnancy so much better. Now I can focus on relaxing, enjoying life, and continuing to research what to do with a baby! Thank you to all my amazing ladies that were involved unknowingly in this transformation.