it's the final countdown...

12 days until our due date...it is definitely down to the final countdown.  At this point, we get so many questions from people like, "Are you ready?", or "Are you nervous?"  The questions seem so simple to ask, but are a little more complicated to answer, at least from where I sit.  

Once we hit the 37 week mark, I started to have some mixed feelings that I have been struggling with.

Excitement...

is definitely one of the number one feelings.  Excitement to meet our little boy.  Excitement to not be pregnant any more and get a semi-normal body back.  Excitement to finally be parents.  Excitement to use all of the new baby things we have ready to go in the nursery.  There is so much to look forward to!  

Nervousness...

is a feeling that has sometimes overridden my excitement in these last weeks.  Nervousness about labor and birth.  Nervousness of the recovery afterwards.  Nervousness about being a parent.  Nervousness about knowing what to do.  This feeling has caused a lot of anxiety as of late.    

Scared/Terrified...

has been a feeling that has crept its way in as well.  Scared of the unknown (so many unknowns).  Terrified Scared of the physical pain to come.  Scared to finally get what we have always wanted.  Scared for the same things that I feel excitement for.  This feeling makes me uncomfortable, but is impossible for me to shake.    

Mostly, it feels like we are now in a waiting pattern.  Don't get me wrong, we REALLY appreciated our break from school for a week.  But, I found myself half way through actually wanting to go back to work.  That has NEVER happened before.

I was consumed with my own thoughts (as mentioned above) that never seemed to end.  Even though I was relaxing or working on some to-do list items, I couldn't truly enjoy myself.  At one point, Andy and I looked at each other and didn't have anything to say to each other.  It felt like we were both just ready and waiting for our little guy to arrive and until he does, we are stuck just waiting and staring at each other.  Maybe this is a sign that we are truly ready...I am not sure.    

The thing I have come to realize is that this pregnancy hasn't felt like a normal pregnancy of nine months. Part of me feels like this pregnancy has lasted from the first time we got pregnant and had a miscarriage (October 2011) until now.  It has sometimes felt like it has lasted an eternity.  Please don't misunderstand me, I have loved being pregnant for the most part, but I am truly ready for it to be over now.  I am ready to move on from this phase to the next despite all of my feelings of trepidation currently.

I know that all of these feelings will slip quickly into the past when our little guy is in my arms (I hope).  I also have a feeling that, somehow, we will know what to do and the things we don't, we will figure out together in our own time.  We have prepared ourselves as best we can and now it is out of our hands.  We need to trust that everything is going to be OK and happen as it will.  There is a sweet and precious little thing waiting for us at the end of this long journey and at the end of the day, the only thing we feel is thrilled to meet him and let him fill our hearts.