bidding 2013 adieu...

Dear 2013, 

Please don't take this personally or get offended, but I am really ready for you to end tonight.  Although I most definitely won't make it until midnight, I will be raising my champagne glass high in the air (around 10pm) to say goodbye to you and welcome your friend 2014.  

I won't go into specifics because I don't want to sound like a whiner or have you think that I am not appreciative of everything we have.  But, I will say that 2013 was one of the hardest years of my life thus far (and that is a lot considering you followed your buddy 2012, which was a doozy as well).  

Although 2013 you haven't been my favorite, I do have hope that you are preparing me for the greatness that is to be 2014.  I do still  have a bit of my positivity and optimism left inside of me and that gives me hope for what is to come. 

I can already feel the clouds lifting and the sun shining on the other side.  I won't spend too much time making New Years Resolutions that I won't keep, but 2014 isn't without some high-hoping expectations of mine (and I think they are pretty realistic).  Instead of resolutions, here are some of my hopes for 2014.

I hope...

~Calvin's oxygen will continue to be decreased

~Andy and I will sneak away to the mountains to remember why we choose to live in the amazing state of Colorado

~I can find time and peace to return back to blogging

~maybe, possibly, Andy and I could get away outside of Colorado to remember our curious travel spirit

2013, I do appreciate what you have done for me.  You have shown me how truly strong I am and that despite all that you threw at me, I am still hopeful.  I do ask that you pass this list on to 2014 as you go tonight.  It's just a little thing that you could do for me.  Pretty please?!   

Cheers, Lindsey

  

one year

One year ago today, we were anxiously anticipating the arrival of our baby boy.  

One year ago today, we were adding finishing touches to our future baby's nursery.  

One year ago today, I was starting to get REALLY uncomfortable in my own skin.  

One year ago today, we were having a typical week night wearing our pajamas at an extremely early time and eating dinner. 

One year ago today, we were busily moving about the house in our separate worlds. 

Then, in a flash, our whole lives changed.  Everything came crashing down at once.  

One year ago today, our best friend was taken from us.  

Our typical  week night quickly turned into rushing to the car, driving to the animal hospital, and wiping away floods of tears as we prematurely said goodbye to our pride and joy, our first "son", our happy, our first pet, Chewy.    

We will always remember this day and struggle with the events that took place on it in 2012.  I often wonder if the pain will wane eventually.  How long does it take to stop feeling the grief so deeply?  When will the random tears cease to fill our eyes when we least expect it?  When will the house feel full again?  And, the ultimate question, when will we be ready for another dog?

Grief is tricky and I have found that it is easier to let it take its course as it appears rather than trying to fight it.    

calvin lately

We have been extremely busy with the start of a new school year and are finally starting to get into a routine where we can fit in some activities that don't involve lesson planning and pulling data reports during our free time.

I am losing my mind a little bit that in two short months we will have a one-year-old. What?! I can't even handle it!

Anyways, here is what our little munchkin has been up to...

^^crawling through his tunnel

 ^^making his first friend at day care

 ^^hanging out with his "dada", which he has started saying repeatedly

^^causing a little mischief

^^being a little unsure about a stroller ride at day care because it is not in the normal daily routine

^^turning 9 months and never staying still

^^practicing his fierce independence by choosing his own toys

^^growing up way too fast and riding like a big boy in a cart at Target

^^being brave and practicing "no hands"

^^hanging out with parents in a restaurant in a high chair where dropping toys is his favorite game

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celebrating our journey together

I talked about what it takes to make it to 5 years of marriage, but now let's get to how we celebrated.

It was AMAZING!

When we first got married, we always thought that we would travel somewhere new at this point in our marriage and continue the adventures we have been on thus far in our relationship. Fast forward to reality, add in Calvin with his restrictions, and it just couldn't happen as we had originally planned.

So, we went back to the drawing board and decided to have a new adventure through food. We settled on the restaurant Fruition in Denver and were drawn to it initially because it tops most lists of top restaurants in Denver, grows much of their own ingredients, and it is necessary to make a reservation at least a month in advance. We lined up our babysitters (Big Poppa & Uno) and it was a plan!

I was completely happy with these plans, but Andy had other things in store for our special night and I was blown away!

Surprise #1: As we were sitting in our living room chatting with my parents, all watching Calvin motor around the room with less and less effort, Andy said that our cab was here. We are huge fans of the iPhone app Taxi Magic and Andy had been giving me the play by plays of where our driver was located, acted like he was talking to him on the phone, and told me his name. As I got up to leave the house, I saw a long, sleek, black limo at the end of our driveway. A minute later Andy walked up from the basement with a cooler packed with yummy drinks and a grocery bag filled to the brim with snacks.

Surprise #2: Andy wasn't satisfied with just having a limo pick us up and drive us around for an hour before our dinner reservation. No, he put WAY more thought into it. Sure, we drove around, but Andy had a list of stops for the driver and our drive had a purpose. The purpose was to take us to spots in Denver that were significant on our journey together as a couple. He popped a bottle of Shramsberg champagne (we visited this winery when we traveled to Napa), handed me a card that was marked with #1, and we headed to City Park (the site of our wedding).

Surprise #3: It was so extremely special to be back at the cite of our wedding ceremony. We still love every single thing about our wedding day and the location was a major part of how special it was for us. After we walked around our wedding site, we hopped back in the limo and Andy handed me a card that was marked with #2. There may have been a few tears at this point, but mostly happy! From City Park, we headed in the direction of Saint Joseph's Hospital where Calvin was born. The hospital played a big role in our latest endeavor of becoming parents and although the experience is still pretty fresh in our minds, it was a great reminder how important that place is along our journey together. Most of all, it is a place where we went from being just two to being a family of three.

Surprise #4: From the hospital, Andy presented yet another card. Yep, you guessed it, this one was marked with #3. We made our way to 11th and St. Paul, more specifically 1114 St. Paul Street where we first lived together in Congress Park when Andy moved from Minnesota to Colorado. This place was where our relationship truly began. We were living in a new city, basically knowing no one, and we were able to explore it together. We were inseparable (even more so than we are today) and loved our Congress Park location and quirky old apartment. It was so fun to reminisce about how we started with little to no furniture or dishes and see how far we have come since then.

Luckily, there was a super sweet couple on the porch that agreed to take our picture.

Surprise #5: After visiting St. Paul St., we made it over to the restaurant. We enjoyed a nice dinner, but secretly, we both couldn't wait to finish so that we could get back to the limo and hang out in style some more! We definitely felt like celebrities as we exited the restaurant to our black stretch of beauty. Andy had the driver take the long way home where I was presented with my last card. Once we were home and checked in with our babysitters and the little guy, we ended the night in our pajamas where Andy presented me with the last item of his grab bag. It was a DVD marked with a #5. As we sat in our sweats, we watched a movie of our journey together from all the places we traveled, to our first furry companion, and all of it scripted with Andy's beautiful words.

To say that I felt special doesn't even come close to describing how I felt on our special night celebrating 5 years of marriage. It must have been quite a feat for Andy to surprise the ultimate planner who is his wife and I am so happy that he took the time and effort to make it all happen.

Something I realized as we were taking this mini tour through our relationship together was that the majority of our journey is embedded in this city and state out west. Some really important events in our lives together have happened right here in Denver, CO. I also thought about being able to some day take Calvin on the exact same tour. Yep, there were tears, but they were all happy tears. Throughout all of our happy times and the challenges, we have stuck by each other's side and are thriving. Andy isn't a little thing in my life, but a major part of who I am today. I am so thankful for him and his love for me and now Calvin too. He is a special man and I can't wait to celebrate 5 more years together and beyond!

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the year of wood

5 years ago we said, "I do".

5 years ago we celebrated our love with our dearest friends and family.

5 years ago we began this journey of marriage.

I talked about our gift giving strategy for our anniversaries back here and this year is no different. It is the year of wood. I'm not quite ready to reveal our gift to each other yet, but I can tell you that it is a gift that we will be able to enjoy for a long time together.

Until the gift reveal, I will leave you with some of the things that have helped us make it this far in marriage, loving each other more and more each day and still enjoying every single day we get to go through this life together.

Strength

In the last year, than any other year that we have been together, we have had to call upon our strength individually and as a couple. There have been emotional, physical, and mental challenges to our strength that have tried to defeat us (read more about those here, here, here, here, and here). White it finally feels like we are coming out the other end from these challenges and are even stronger than when we started, it has made me realize that this is a quality that is prevalent in our marriage. I guess you never really have to think about strength until you need it and then it makes you realize how much you actually have or can conjure up in a time that it is needed the most. In so many ways, we are getting stronger, but more importantly, we are realizing the amount of strength that was already within us. Ain't nobody going to bring us down!

Support

If you celebrated with us at our wedding, you witnessed our vows where we promised to always live a "Team First" marriage (you can see more from our wedding ceremony here). Basically, Andy and I are the team and all decisions are made between the team members. This means that we try not to let others or any outside factors in to our decision making process in our marriage. This seems basic, but it can be really challenging. Between family members who have strong opinions, friends who do things differently, or even pressures from society and media can influence decisions if you let them. There have definitely been times where one or both of us have struggled with this promise, but overall, it is the main foundation that we continually revisit in our relationship and one of the reasons we are still going strong after 5 years.

Communication

This is the number one thing that I would swear hands down keeps a relationship together. It is the #1 advice I give to new couples getting married or even friends that are looking at how to make their relationships better. The most important thing is to talk about EVERYTHING from the littlest thought or idea in your head to the big scary subjects and do this often.

With that being said, it is definitely not as easy as it sounds, especially in order to communicate effectively. There needs to be time set aside to communicate often and the "scary" stuff needs to be addressed as often as possible. Of course, this doesn't mean that we are always very good at this, but we know it's what we need to do when things are feeling even the slightest bit off in our relationship. Sometimes there's tears, but we always come out the other side feeling better than we did before we let out what was on our minds.

Friendship

This is where it all started. We nurtured our friendship for 5 years before we ever started dating, but it was a slow burn that eventually ignited and brought us together. Once we were both in the right place, everything just clicked. We were able to fast forward much of our relationship because we already knew each other so well and we were very comfortable with one another. Today, we are still the best of friends and enjoy each others company over anyone else.

Overall, it feels like we've made it. It feels like our marriage is legit now that we have gotten to this milestone. 5 years!

Stay tuned for details of our anniversary celebration. It was a night filled with many surprises and lots of love!

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hiking

Since Andy and I have lived in Colorado, we have looked forward to every summer. The time off is nice, but what we really enjoy is taking advantage of the outdoors. Camping, hiking, and just overall exploration of the great state that we live in.

This summer we have been a little down in the dumps as it is a lot more challenging to do the activities that we so enjoy. We already knew it would be extra work with a little one, but Calvin's condition makes it extremely hard to get any sort of mountain fix in this awesome state. Of course, I have been doing some research and looking into the elevations of each and every city and campground in the state and have found some potential spots that we will hopefully be able to check out at some point this summer.

Recently I was able to scratch my mountain itch just on the surface. My active mama friend, Carlie, introduced me to an awesome Meetup group of moms that go hiking with their babies once a week. I was a little nervous about this because Calvin cannot go above 8,000 feet, which definitely limits our options. But, the other day, they did a hike that was near Chatfield Reservoir and it fit our requirements. Still, I was quite nervous and brought plenty of extra oxygen and all of the "necessities" for the little guy.

So, we headed out on Waterton Canyon trail, which is a super wide path that made it easy for our stroller and all the baby goods to come with us as we blazed the trail. There were about 9 women with their babies. I was super impressed because many of the mothers were only 6-10 weeks out from giving birth! Thinking back to my condition at that point, I was definitely not in the mindset or physical shape to do a hike.

We started out in our new forward facing position in the stroller with all of our toys in position. He's either tired in that picture or already bored with hiking! Similar to my Stroller Strides class, this hike was a great chance to be with other moms and talk about our kids. I have realized in my 7 months of being a parent that this kind of community is quite important and necessary for my sanity and well-being...you could say this is a little thing, but I will get to that later!

We were trucking right along on the path, actually going at a pretty good pace, when all of a sudden we met these little fellas...

Colorado is amazing! Even in a lower elevation, there are beautiful landscapes, flowing water, and furry creatures that you are able to enjoy!

We made it a total of 5 miles by the end of it and were both extremely hot and exhausted. It was a great time and we will definitely do it again sometime soon. The only tragedy was that somewhere along the route, Calvin's bunny fell out and is now gone forever. Maybe we will have to go back and hang up some of these signs...

In the end, we had a fabulous morning enjoying the outdoors, chatting with amazing mamas, and smiling at some adorable new babies (and a few older ones). These are all little things that I relish about summer vacation and am so thankful that I have another month to enjoy!

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mobile child, seriously?!

Most of the time, I find myself extremely anxious for each new milestone that is on the horizon for Calvin. I see older babies and think, "I can't wait until Calvin is able to do ___. That will be so fun!" I think it is a healthy anxious though, rather than a nervous anxious that Calvin isn't doing something. I remember these thoughts going through my head when his older friends started smiling, rolling over, waving, etc.

The one milestone that I have thought, "Maybe we could wait a bit on this one," is crawling. Seriously, this is something that changes EVERYTHING. I can leave the room for a minute and know that Calvin will, for the most part, be in the same spot that I left him. But, once he is crawling, he could be in the kitchen from the living room in the blink of an eye. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about this milestone just like all of the others. I just didn't think it would come this fast.

It all started a few weeks ago...Calvin always loves being in his exersaucer so that he can stand, turn around in circles, and bang his toys together. It looks something like this...

A few weeks ago, he wanted to spend less time standing and more time on the floor. Once he got to the floor, he would barrel roll his way across the living room rug to get from one place to another. He was fascinated and obsessed with picking a direction and getting there as fast as he could and by any means he was able. His farm and the animals in it became his new favorite toy.

One day, and for several more days after that, he got up on all fours. He was super wobbly and you could tell he wanted to just take off in the direction of whatever toy was in front of him (or piece of lint). Usually, he would get mad that his arms and legs weren't cooperating and either plop back on to his stomach or do a side sit situation.

Today, all of this changed. For him and us. Check this out!

Even though I could have handled Calvin waiting a bit before mastering this milestone, it is a true proud moment to see it happen and marvel at the process he took in order to get to this point. This process of growing and taking risks is a little thing that is one of the joys of parenthood. Now, we better start child proofing the house because he is a curious little guy and it won't be long before he is cruising through the house, grabbing everything in sight. Yikes!

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the s-word, not to be confused with sh*@

Once again, I am faced with something that, in my head, I thought would go so smoothly. And then it didn't. I had expectations that weren't met and now I'm sad about it. Most of the time Sometimes parenthood is so hard.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I was coasting right along, feeling like things were "normal", and then I got let down...again. I did my research, I talked with friends, I met with Calvin's doctors, and I was ready to start Calvin on solid foods (s-word) right after he turned 6 months.

The first time, we tried some rice cereal and he did not let me put the spoon in his mouth. He ignored my airplane noises, my distractions, and pursed his lips every time I got close to his mouth. "This is just the first day," I thought and tried again the next day. Same thing. I tried again and again and again, all ending in the same result.

It has now been almost a month since we started this process and it has not progressed at all what-so-ever. I did some more research and talked with friends and right now I just feel so defeated and frustrated. I mean, I've cried about it like 5 times...just today. That is not ok.

I know that much of my stress and anxiousness about Calvin and food comes from all of his doctors being concerned that he is under weight. Every time we get him on the scale in their office, it is never as much as they would like him to be. They all mention the dreaded feeding tube if he continues to not gain weight, which of course makes me cry every single time those words are mentioned. His doctors must think I am a basket case (it could also be from my multiple weekly emails, but who can be sure)!

So, I did some more research and lots of thinking today. Whenever I have stressed out about something and cried about it, it is because it doesn't feel right. I am confident enough in parenthood to trust my gut at this point. I feel like I know my child very well and my intuitions are screaming at me at this point to listen to them.

With all of that said, we are packing up the spoons for now and heading in the direction of Baby Led Weaning or Baby Led Solids. Calvin seems to want his independence to feed himself, so we are going to give it to him (still feeding him super high calorie bottles to boost that weight up). We are going to take friends' advice and make it fun. We are going to get messy. We are going to try everything. What we are not going to do is stress about it and there will be no more tears from me (maybe).

A little thing I need to remember is to trust my momma intuitions. Even though I have only been at it for 6 months and 28 days, I know a thing or two and I definitely know my son. I am still hoping that one day not too far in the future, this picture will be of a messy, food-filled face instead of this pristine, clean one.

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calvin lately...

The summer has been amazing so far. We are having a BLAST! Here are some snapshots to give you a glimpse of what we have been up to lately...

//hanging out during stroller class//

//meeting friends//

//hanging out in just a diaps//

//denver aquarium// 

//first baseball game// 

//pool time//

//playing with new toys//

//showing off teeth// 

//starting to eat solids...kind of//

I am loving this time that I get to spend with Calvin and it sort of feels like a "do-over".  I struggled with the last month of my maternity leave and felt like I got gypped with hospital stays, oxygen, and overall worrying for our little guy.  The time Calvin and I get this summer is a little thing that I will cherish FOREVER.   

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getting fit...

Any woman who has had a baby knows that it can be extremely difficult to get back into shape after being pregnant and going through labor.

First, there is the sleep deprivation and literally not enough time in a day to get even essential chores completed (daily hygiene also goes out the window). Then, there is the pain and discomfort that comes with everyday movements like walking or sitting. To top it off, you are desperately trying to figure out how to keep a new human alive. I won't even mention trying to navigate your relationship with your husband, family, and friends, which also adds to the delaying of any semblance of a workout routine.

A couple things have happened in my life recently that have allowed me to welcome fitness back with open arms.

The most obvious is that I am on summer vacation and I have loads of time to fill each day. Yes, taking care of Calvin fills up a great amount of my time in a day, but at 6 months, I feel like we have many things figured out where it can allow for a workout. Another major factor I have going for me is a huge drive to get my body back. I know that it isn't realistic to get my pre-baby body back and I've come to terms that my body is just going to look different now that I have had a baby. But, I am determined to tighten up areas that as of late are a little saggy and loose.

The major thing that has been a life saver for the new endeavor of getting fit has been Stroller Strides, or SS for short. My friend, Libby introduced me to it and I tested it out during my maternity leave when Calvin was about 8 weeks old. For those of you that are thinking, "How hard can a stroller exercise class be?" Let me tell you, I get my a** kicked every day in this class and am sore most days afterwards. The instructor does NOT take it easy on us and all of us that are there appreciate it. After all, we are there to get in shape, not mamby pamby around with our strollers...we can do that on our own time and for free. I was pumped to attend the class while I wasn't working, but Calvin had other plans, which if you don't already know about you can catch up here and here.

So, summer is here and Calvin and I aim to attend class every day (Monday-Friday), but usually it looks more like 3-4 days a week. My body is getting tighter, but best of all, I feel great about myself and like how I look. No, I'm not back to a pre-baby size and there is still about 7 pounds of baby weight, but I have more energy during the day and I am happy with the results. The other amazing thing about this class is that the attendees are all moms with their kids. Many are first time mothers like myself, but some of them are on their second or third child. So, whatever question is burning in your head and keeping you up at night, you have an audience of at least 20 women to help you every day. It's like a mommy support group!

My little thing, although it feels bigger, is that I feel great in my own skin. It feels good to be back in this place. I know that any woman can relate to how amazing that feels, but definitely all those mommas out there can relate to the time of adjustment after having a baby and just feeling unlike yourself in more ways than just our bodies.

Thank you Stroller Strides for helping me love ME again!

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daddy daycare...

As summer begins and Andy and I switch roles, I need to give a HUGE shout out to the love of my life, amazing teammate, and Daddy of the Year (a unanimous vote by yours truly and the little munchkin)! I know there are a lot of great dads out there, but Calvin and I are a little biased and think that this guy is the best!

Andy and I feel very fortunate that we were able to both spend a significant stretch of time with Calvin at home. I know that most men either aren't able to or don't stay home with a little one for paternity leave, but I am so thankful that Andy made it a priority and we were able to make it work for us.  It ended up being the best thing for out little family of three!

Andy will admit that it started out rough, but luckily the challenges were short lived and only lasted for a couple of days. By Day 4 of Daddy Day Care, we were all adjusted to the transition. In the time that Andy stayed home, he was able to figure things out to help Calvin thrive, did things in his own way, and ultimately bonded with Calvin in a way that is extremely special. During his time at home, Calvin always had a smile on his face and the result is a strong relationship with both of his parents.

Here are a few snapshots of what Daddy Day Care was like...

Calvin and Andy will always have the two months that they spent every day together to look back on as something special. It is obvious to me the benefit of this time when I see Calvin's eyes shine as he looks at his Dad. I am so thankful that I have such a true partner in this game of life. It definitely is NOT a little thing, but one of those big things that makes life that much sweeter.

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