Once again, I am faced with something that, in my head, I thought would go so smoothly. And then it didn't. I had expectations that weren't met and now I'm sad about it. Most of the time Sometimes parenthood is so hard.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I was coasting right along, feeling like things were "normal", and then I got let down...again. I did my research, I talked with friends, I met with Calvin's doctors, and I was ready to start Calvin on solid foods (s-word) right after he turned 6 months.
The first time, we tried some rice cereal and he did not let me put the spoon in his mouth. He ignored my airplane noises, my distractions, and pursed his lips every time I got close to his mouth. "This is just the first day," I thought and tried again the next day. Same thing. I tried again and again and again, all ending in the same result.
It has now been almost a month since we started this process and it has not progressed at all what-so-ever. I did some more research and talked with friends and right now I just feel so defeated and frustrated. I mean, I've cried about it like 5 times...just today. That is not ok.
I know that much of my stress and anxiousness about Calvin and food comes from all of his doctors being concerned that he is under weight. Every time we get him on the scale in their office, it is never as much as they would like him to be. They all mention the dreaded feeding tube if he continues to not gain weight, which of course makes me cry every single time those words are mentioned. His doctors must think I am a basket case (it could also be from my multiple weekly emails, but who can be sure)!
So, I did some more research and lots of thinking today. Whenever I have stressed out about something and cried about it, it is because it doesn't feel right. I am confident enough in parenthood to trust my gut at this point. I feel like I know my child very well and my intuitions are screaming at me at this point to listen to them.
With all of that said, we are packing up the spoons for now and heading in the direction of Baby Led Weaning or Baby Led Solids. Calvin seems to want his independence to feed himself, so we are going to give it to him (still feeding him super high calorie bottles to boost that weight up). We are going to take friends' advice and make it fun. We are going to get messy. We are going to try everything. What we are not going to do is stress about it and there will be no more tears from me (maybe).
A little thing I need to remember is to trust my momma intuitions. Even though I have only been at it for 6 months and 28 days, I know a thing or two and I definitely know my son. I am still hoping that one day not too far in the future, this picture will be of a messy, food-filled face instead of this pristine, clean one.
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