conflicted...

Today marks what is the last day of my maternity leave and I am a wreck...

Everything I read about going back to work talks about the guilt women have about wanting to go back to work. It says that many women want to leave their baby and have daily adult interaction again. It also says that it is natural for women to want to get back to a routine and being professional again.

What if I'm feeling the opposite? What if I feel guilty about NOT wanting to go back to work? 

 That is exactly how I'm feeling.

I feel terrible that I don't miss my students or planning lessons to help them be better readers. I feel awful that I'd rather be around Calvin than any of my adult co-workers. I don't crave the routine of an alarm clock, dressing up, and wearing make up. I have come to enjoy my every other day showers, no make up, head bands, and pajama uniforms. I melt when Calvin graces me with his gummy grin and rejoice with each new milestone that I get to witness and those things seem way more exciting than being around adults.

I am nervous that I will be overwhelmed with paperwork and planning. I am scared that I will cry at work in front of students or my co-workers and that I have forgotten how to teach and do my job. I am dreading walking out the door every morning leaving my baby. Seriously, tears well in my eyes when any of these thoughts enter my mind.

I am definitely going back to work with my heels dug into the ground. But despite all of my reservations, I know that I will get back into a routine. I will be fine in the long run. I will probably even come to enjoy my students again, look forward to chatting with my co-workers, and come to terms with being a working mom. After all, I only have 48 school days until summer break!

In the end, I know that I will be ok. Calvin will also be ok. And I am going to put on my big girl pants and march into school on Monday with a smile on my face even if I am dying inside. We are going to make it through this transition, hopefully unscathed. Maybe I will even enjoy being back at work. Thousands of women before me have done it and made it through. I know I am capable of the same. Plus, my little guy will be waiting for me with that silly gummy grin when I walk through the door. And if it all fails miserably? There's still only 48 school days until summer!

Here goes nothing!

Posted with Blogsy