the b word...

Like many women before me, I planned on breastfeeding. Also like many women I know, it didn't quite turn out like I had planned and it was no where near easy.

I took a breastfeeding class, read tons of books about the topic, and went into it with an open mind that it may not work for us. Of the women I had talked to before Calvin was born, I would say 9 out of 10 had issues with breastfeeding. Mastitis, nipple shields, poor latching, pain, low supply, and the list goes on.

Leaving the hospital and the support it offered, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy road. Without giving you too much information and all of the gory details... there were nipple shields, exhaustion, an hour process each feeding, pumping, and lots of frustration (both Calvin and I). Just when I was considering throwing in the towel, we had a home visit (our insurance covers this and it was exactly what I needed).

The woman who came to our house was not only a nurse, but she was also a lactation consultant. She asked me the dreaded question, "How is breastfeeding going?" and I lost it. You know that cry when you are really vulnerable and someone asks just the right question and then you let out everything you have been trying to avoid saying out loud? (on top of that, you are doing the heave cry with a stranger) That is what happened. I cared about breastfeeding so much and I wanted so badly for it to work out, but I needed a plan moving forward that would work better than what I was doing. I told her all of my frustrations and she validated every feeling I was feeling without making me feel like she was judging me.

The next question she asked was, "What do you feel like you want to do moving forward?" The important thing to me was that Calvin got breast milk. When I thought hard about it, it didn't matter if he got it directly from me or from a bottle. I told her my idea (exclusively pumping) and she was all about it. She gave me what I needed, which was permission to stop what we were doing and do what worked best for Calvin and I. She helped me come up with a plan to be successful and warned me about some challenges that we could face in the future.

After this experience, I feel really let down from all of my research. It didn't leave me prepared for the challenges we faced. Nowhere in the three hour breastfeeding class did they mention any of the issues that so many women face. In fact, they made it sound so completely easy that anyone who would have issues didn't know what they were doing or there was something wrong with them. The books I read...they didn't mention challenges either.

Why would these two sources that were there to offer support around breastfeeding not give us all of the facts? Because they didn't mention things that could happen, I didn't feel prepared when it wasn't working how they said it would. I felt ashamed that I was having so much trouble. I felt like something was wrong with me.

Since we moved forward with our plan, there have still been challenges (growth spurts, thrush, lots of time), but they have been easier to face with an increased sense of confidence in our journey with the b word (breastfeeding) and the support that we have built up.

I have learned many things through this experience. But the one thing that has been my saving grace, the little thing that has kept me sane, is being honest about the situation and reaching out to those amazing women around me that have already gone through or are currently going through their own challenges with the b word (or the long list of other issues that are embarrassing to talk about). Being able to admit that things aren't perfect has been huge for me and has released the amazing amount of pressure I had been putting on myself. I was let down by all of my research, but have been lifted up by my support system around me.

Posted with Blogsy