Remember those big things I mentioned a few posts ago?
It's time to share the big things that have been going on for the Groettums because I think I have finally gained enough courage to do so...
Many of you who are close to us know that we have been trying to start a family since April 2011. Today marks one year and it's been an interesting road, to say the least.
I am one of those women that thought that we would get pregnant right away and according to our plan...I know, crazy! But, in my defense, I have had many friends that had it happen that way, so I didn't know much different (and this is one time where my positivity kind of got in the way). April, May, and June went by and I was starting to get a little frustrated.
Then, July, August, and September went by and I was starting to lose hope. I had many thoughts running through my head like, "Why isn't it happening?", "What if we can't get pregnant?", "Is there something wrong with us?" and on and on. I knew these thoughts were normal, but I also knew that what we were going through was more normal than having it happen right away. That didn't take away any of the negative thoughts or the frustration that was growing for both of us.
Finally, October came and we were pregnant (says a home test)! We were beyond excited, we were flying over the moon happy. We told only our immediate family and were relishing in our happy news.
This happiness didn't last long because after a week, while we were in Minnesota, we had an early miscarriage at six weeks of pregnancy. To say it was emotional is an understatement, it was more like devastation. Although this event was filled with sadness, in true Groettum fashion, we began to process through it by finding the positives. There actually was a huge list which included some of these things:
-it is normal and happens in 20% of pregnancies (that is 1 in 5)
-we found out that we could get pregnant, which was one of our greatest fears
-usually it happens because it is an unhealthy embryo
-we could try again!
And try again we did...
Then, to our surprise and a little nervousness, we got pregnant again right away in December. Unfortunately, this time did not have a happy ending either. We had an early miscarriage at seven weeks and it happened on a weekend, so we spent many hours in the emergency room where they wouldn't confirm that it was actually a miscarriage. This left us with a small amount of hope, although I knew in my heart that it was a loss. A blood test two days later confirmed what I already knew in my heart.
This miscarriage was not only filled with sadness and devastation, but this time it felt like pure defeat. Andy and I were crushed and there was no positivity left in us. Our depression lasted over a week, which included crying every day, finding it hard to breath at work, and avoiding everyone and everything in our lives to take a mental hiatus. I was even close to an anxiety attack as I returned to work the following Monday. It never occurred to me to take the day off until I was driving to work while fighting tears and sitting in the parking lot willing my legs to walk towards the building.
With the holidays right around the corner, we found a little motivation to get our Christmas shopping done and started to look forward to a change of scenery and time with family. Luckily, the power of family, time away from Denver, and some fresh air helped bump us out of our depression. The other thing that helped was turning the page on our calendar to a new year. 2011 had lost its luster and 2012 was sure to be full of new possibilities.
This experience is one of the reasons I wanted to start my blog. It was so hard to talk about what was going on with us for a multitude of reasons. One being that we didn't really know anyone that this had happened to. Another was the look on peoples' faces when you did tell them...a mixture of sadness and pity. Even though I felt better talking about it, I could tell that it was hard for other people because they didn't know what to say or it was an uncomfortable subject. Regardless of this, it never failed, every single person we have talked to knows someone who has had a miscarriage. Not only does everyone know someone, but it is someone that is really close to them (instead of a friend of a friend kind of thing, it is a sister, a best friend, a cousin, a mother).
That told me that there has to be others out there that feel the same way that I do. Going through two miscarriages has been isolating to say the least.
After this, my scary thoughts have turned darker to, "Am I meant to be a mother?", "What am I supposed to learn from this experience?", "What do we need to change in our life in order for us to be blessed with a baby?"
Another hard twist to this journey is that many of my closest friends are pregnant. Although my first instinct is utter joy and happiness for them, a very close second instinct is jealousy and sadness for my own situation. This second thought is really troubling for me. Jealousy is a feeling that I am not used to feeling, especially when it comes to my friends. I have always been content in my own life, which has allowed me to be happy for my friends with where their journey takes them. I am not sure why jealousy is playing a role in my life right now, but it is hard to handle on top of all of the other feelings that I am feeling.
There is no little thing in what we went through. Many times during the most depressing days, I did find some small things each hour to get me through the day without crying or screaming. Those things included, starting my blog, hugs from friends, a new 16 pack of PaperMate flair pens, good leftovers from the night before, and many more. The thing that helped us the most was being brave enough to start talking about how we felt and what happened to us. So, although there is no little thing in this experience, this is the time when the big things come to play. The big thing I learned in 2011 is that life is hard and sometimes it just is and you have to accept it and try to move on. Fortunately for me, I have a loving partner and that is EVERYTHING to me. I also have amazing family, friends, co-workers, and my eternal positivity that came back after a brief hibernation.
Now I realize that life sometimes throws some curve balls in your direction and it may be a way to teach you a lesson, wake you up from something, help you grow stronger, or just because life is bored and wants to shake things up. Whatever the reason, I now know that it is important to learn as much as you can from these times. That is what I am doing and will continue to do as we mosey on down the journey that we started...
